Yesterday, I heard of a grandmother whose son is behaving badly enough to encourage her daughter-in-law to leave. The son's mother is now faced with the fact that grandparents have no clear-cut rights to access their grandchildren. And, twenty years on, this sends a chill down my spine.
When my former husband was behaving badly enough to need divorcing, I made the decision to continue to include my mother-in-law in the family loop. Although she had little time for me, she loved the children absolutely and I felt that to cut off the whole of 'his' family would have been to give my children the sense that 'half' of them was hateful to me. It wasn't. So they grew up - in the company of an extended family from both sides - totally aware of what unconditional love means. I'm glad I did. We were enriched by the support.
Currently, grandparents are still having to wait and see - although courts are coming round to a more sympathetic view of their cases. So I advise keeping things as informal as possible with the parent in charge of the children's timetables. The trick is to communicate directly and non-judgementally - very important - your desire to remain part of the children's lives.
But, if the parent in charge seems to want to be difficult, take early legal advice so you can understand your options and avoid making a delicate situation worse.
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